I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Fuck appropriateness.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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