vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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