I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I need to align my fucking chakras
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
