Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
