Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
