There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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