There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
