I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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