Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
