Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
