Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
