last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
