the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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