After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
