Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
