Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize