every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
