taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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