Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize