i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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