one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
