There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
