The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My life is pants optional.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
