now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
