is your mom at the bar?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
