Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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