Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
