I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
