I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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