just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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