Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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