I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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