My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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