i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
