You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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