Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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