Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
