If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
