Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize