smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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