I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
