My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize