hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
