you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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