I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
