return my video game
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize