I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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