forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
