I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
