I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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