My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
