Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
