My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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