Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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