I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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