You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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