..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize