Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
