It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
