I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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