so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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