I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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