dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
